My Advice for First Time Mums

Normally I'd stay right away from advice given. You'll get more than enough of the unsolicited stuff on this voyage into motherhood.

But this advice I want to give is of a different sort than the best way to raise the baby, thoughts on feeding, sleeping, dressing, soothing... and all those other things that every man and their dog becomes and expert on when they see you're a new mum. Because, in the end, you realise all those things don't matter half as much as we thought they did.

The problem for a first time mum, of course, is that by the time you've figured out what's really important, those precious, fleeting days have passed you by already.

So here's my 2 cents worth for focusing on what really matters.

1. Do as much baby gazing as you can.

When you look back at this time, you aren't going to remember or care whether your washing was done or not. Wouldn't much rather be full of memories of that tiny little precious bundle? And it goes by so fast. 4 months in and I already could barely remember her at her newborn floppy size.

Absorb it. Imprint on your brain. Spend hours just breathing her in.

It will make all the hard stuff and sleeplessness worth it, if you just focus on absorbing the memories.

2. Don't let anyone devalue playing with your baby (not even yourself!)

If you spend the whole day just entertaining your baby and get absolutely nothing else done, well, good!

Maybe others will think you're lazy. Maybe you'll even think it of yourself from time to time.

But, for one, keeping a baby entertained all day is not as easy as it sounds.

And, two, you are doing immeasurable good for the foundations of that child's self worth, security and confidence by giving them that engagement. Will your child, when she is old and secure and happy, look back and say "Mum, why didn't you spend more time washing clothes and sweeping the floor, and less time playing with me? Why didn't you clean the house more, and have less of a relationship with me?"

I doubt it.

Don't let anyone make you feel that this is less than vital.

3. Find some switch off time

With all that baby loving, of course, there is the bare fact that it is exhausting. Being 'on call' 24/7 to that little person can take it's toll.

I was finding that even when I got a 'break' from the caring and nappy changing merry-go-round, I wasn't able to switch off because I was still being called on for advice, answers and attention; "Where are the wipes?" "Which cream should I put on?""Do you think she's tired?" and even the "Look at how cute she's being!"

If you're breast feeding, feed the little munchkin, and then palm her off to Daddy or Grandma for a few hours of switch off time, where you are not on call at all. If you have to, leave the house and switch off your phone so no-one can ask you questions. Don't feel guilty about it. They will cope for a couple of hours, and your brain will get to reset and refresh from the constant pressure of being 'on'.

4. Take videos

A lot of us are lucky enough to iPhones and all sorts with us at any given moment these days. Take videos. Photos too of course. I'm sure you're already doing a lot of that. But take as long a video as your phone's memory will allow.

You might think it's just mundane footage - and maybe others will think it is - but in a few months, years, decades time, you'll cherish these glimpses into the past.



That sums it up really. Cherish the mundane as much as you can. One day they will be your most precious memories.

The Mummy Wars

After writing about go-with-the-flow-parenting - or in other words, do what works and is best for you parenting - it got me thinking about why women can get such a hard time from other women when they become mothers. I'm sure almost every new mother, experienced mother, or pregnant woman can cite at least a few stories of unsolicited advice and unwelcome opinions.

It seems that somehow motherhood means women's lives become public property, open to anyone and everyone's opinion on how they are parenting, eating, living...

Why is that? Why do women make each other feel guilty or insecure far more often that we make each other feel supported and empowered in this area?

Partly it is within us - when we read or hear another woman talk about their successes, rather than just feeling happy for that woman, we put ourselves down. We feel insecure, like we aren't doing the same and maybe we should be, or why are they doing better than me?

And then sometimes it comes from outside. Sometimes well meaning advice ends up being condemning, but sometimes it's not so well meaning either.

What would motivate any woman to put another woman down?

If it was a life threatening behaviour that we were attacking you could understand it - if someone was driving with their newborn lying on the front seat of the car, well that would be one thing.

But mostly the strong reactions, the unsolicited advice and condescension comes for small reasons, like whether or not you use a dummy, formula feed or co-sleep.

Granted there can be harmful effects of improper use of just about anything, but mostly mothers are doing the best they can. Why do we not just give each other the benefit of the doubt that a woman has weighed up all the options and is doing what will work best for her and her family?

Instead we often seem to jump straight to 'that woman has no clue and I should set her straight'.

I think it is because we are easily threatened. It hits at our identity. Whether we consider ourselves career women or stay at home mums, it is natural for a woman to find the most validation in feeling that she is successful in the domestic sphere. Anything that makes us feel like we are failing, or not living up to the same standard as others, makes us feel that perhaps we are failing at being a woman.

No matter how feminist our society might become, women are always going to feel their value linked  to the issue of having children, because it will always be our domain. It something that will always separate men and women. So whether we do or don't have kids, whether we do or don't have a career as well as a family, we find our choices under scrutiny. Childbearing is entirely universal, so it ends up being something on which everyone, and certainly every woman, feels she is qualified to comment.

And that is on top of the pressure we put on ourselves. No matter how confident we are in the decisions we have made regarding children, there is almost always a voice of doubt because so many other women have made so many other decisions. How can we help but compare?

So when we see someone else we can criticise, it makes us feel better about our own choices. When we find someone else who is more inexperienced that we can impose our advice upon, we feel validated in our experience. When we see someone else failing, we respond with sympathy heavily tinged with relief that we are doing better.

We have to stop. We have to make a conscious decision to remember how hard we find it at times, and respond with grace to others. Support other mothers in their struggles and decisions. Choose to assume that they are trying their best. Make other women feel confident in their ability to succeed as a mother, rather than trying to give advice just to make ourselves feel better. Be honest about our own failings so other women don't feel like they are all alone.

Genuinely celebrate the success of other women.

When you respond with positivity to others you will find this actually washes away your own insecurities far more than negativity ever can.

Just because someone else does things differently to us, doesn't mean they are saying our way was wrong. They are a different person raising a different baby in a different family and perhaps even a different time.

Raising children can be the most challenging thing we will ever do in our lives - lets make it easier on each other by being in it together, rather than making it a competition. Lets put down the weapons and quit the war.

Go with the flow parenting

I think every mother could write their own parenting book... Problem is, probably nothing in it would work for anyone else. Every family is different. Even every child is different in the same family.

That's why I've decided on my own parenting theory. It's called Go With The Flow. Otherwise known as forget-what-anyone-else-thinks-and-do-what-works theory.

In my head I've run the gamut if parenting styles and theories. One day I literally read what must have been about 50 parenting articles online from cry it out to natural parenting and attachment theory. By the end I couldn't think straight, and if I'd tried to follow them all both The Bubs and I would have had nervous break downs within the week. It's like when you mix every single paint colour together - what started off as a pretty, vibrant colours ends up a big blob of goo. That was my brain.

The thing is, I could find something to relate to in every single theory. Something about all of them made sense.

And that's where the bottom line is - the parts that made sense were down to common sense.

So I've stopped reading parenting articles. And I've stopped worrying about what other people will think if I tell them I do or don't co-sleep/sleep train/do tummy time/baby wear/use a dummy/insert highly charged issue here.

I just do what works. Especially in those early few months where it seems your baby is changing minute by minute before your eyes. Why kill yourself worrying about what your baby 'should' be doing when it's likely everything will have changed by tomorrow anyway?

It should go without saying that you and your baby should be safe and getting fundamental needs met like love, food and sleep - but with common sense applied, I don't care if your baby sleeps in a cot, bassinet, sling, your bed or a flower pot like a little Anne Geddes model. If your baby sleeps, well done.

If you give it a chance, instinct takes over. I don't know where it comes from, but somehow it's in there how to take care of my baby. You learn it subtly by just being with your baby. Osmosis or something.

I mean, I'm no parenting expert. I've only had one baby so far and she's only 3 months old. But I've got something no 'expert' has. I know MY baby. And you've got that knowledge too, of yours.

Honestly it probably helps to NOT read too much. I read everything, my husband read nothing, and somedays he's even better at reading The Bub's cues than I am.

So if you're a new mum here's what I recommend...

....put the book down. A few tips might work but almost no baby will go 'by the book'. Getting too coaught up in 'But the book says...' short circuits your own instincts. You end up feeling like you are stuck with one style. I remember liking a lot of things about attachment parenting, but then I would feel guilty if I got sick of having my baby in a sling and wanted to put her down. Until I realised - hey, I didn't sign a contract. No one is making me do this. I can pick and choose!

....close that worry inducing Internet forum. Other mothers will be opinionated. And they will exaggerate. When it seems like everyone else's babies are sleeping through the night.... trust me, they're the vocal minority.

....install a zip in well meaning relatives mouths. Ok, so it's maybe hard to do this one. But at least try and stuff your ears with imaginary cotton wool. Nod and smile. Nod and smile. And then go about your day.

And just try to enjoy this time. They really are only this little for such a short time - I already can barely remember The Bubs when she was all floppy and newborn size, and I already miss how she fit so snugly against my chest while she slept there instead of in her cot.

I do appreciate the irony of writing a parenting post to say stop reading parenting posts! But I guess what my point is, is not so much to never read anything, but to not get so caught up in going by the book or comparing yourself with others.

Surround yourself with people who encourage and affirm you, and make you feel confident in your instinct and abilities as a mother - or father - no matter what your 'style'.

Don't miss out on such a precious time out of fear and worry and guilt. There's plenty of time for those feelings when they are teenagers...



What's the best parenting advice you've been given? How do you deal with the opinions and unsolicited advice of others? I'd love to hear your stories!

Family Organisation App - Cozi

I discovered this app by Cozi when I was looking for a list that would sync between my phone and my husbands. You know those times you just happen to be at the shops so you think, I may as well pick up a few things that we need. Except your paper shopping list is sitting at home on the bench. So you try to remember, but forget 3 things and have to go back again the next day.

And now that The Bubs is here, its my husband who tends to be out and about more for those incidental shopping trips, and funnily enough he's less likely to notice the things we are getting low on, like breast pads for example. :)

So I thought if we could have a synced list on our phones, then no matter who put things on the shopping list and who ended up at the shops, we'd always know what to get.

What I found was even better than just a shopping list. Cozi is a family organiser complete with shopping lists, to do lists, calendar and even a journal. You can create multiple users in the one account so you can assign things to different family members and it all syncs across devices.

Best of all it is free! There's yearly paid subscription upgrade for a few extended features, but the free version is very useable.

Its available on Apple and Android, and you can also access it on their website which  is perfect. Overall this is a brilliant app for families. Provided you can train them all to use it - I have to remind my husband to put things on the calendar.

The good thing is, though, that even if they don't remember to look at it, you can set up reminder emails (and texts  for US users) to send to the relevant family members, or device notifications.

I love this app! I'm not paid or affiliated with Cozi in any way I just love the merge of technology and organisation, and thought others might too :)