My Advice for First Time Mums

Normally I'd stay right away from advice given. You'll get more than enough of the unsolicited stuff on this voyage into motherhood.

But this advice I want to give is of a different sort than the best way to raise the baby, thoughts on feeding, sleeping, dressing, soothing... and all those other things that every man and their dog becomes and expert on when they see you're a new mum. Because, in the end, you realise all those things don't matter half as much as we thought they did.

The problem for a first time mum, of course, is that by the time you've figured out what's really important, those precious, fleeting days have passed you by already.

So here's my 2 cents worth for focusing on what really matters.

1. Do as much baby gazing as you can.

When you look back at this time, you aren't going to remember or care whether your washing was done or not. Wouldn't much rather be full of memories of that tiny little precious bundle? And it goes by so fast. 4 months in and I already could barely remember her at her newborn floppy size.

Absorb it. Imprint on your brain. Spend hours just breathing her in.

It will make all the hard stuff and sleeplessness worth it, if you just focus on absorbing the memories.

2. Don't let anyone devalue playing with your baby (not even yourself!)

If you spend the whole day just entertaining your baby and get absolutely nothing else done, well, good!

Maybe others will think you're lazy. Maybe you'll even think it of yourself from time to time.

But, for one, keeping a baby entertained all day is not as easy as it sounds.

And, two, you are doing immeasurable good for the foundations of that child's self worth, security and confidence by giving them that engagement. Will your child, when she is old and secure and happy, look back and say "Mum, why didn't you spend more time washing clothes and sweeping the floor, and less time playing with me? Why didn't you clean the house more, and have less of a relationship with me?"

I doubt it.

Don't let anyone make you feel that this is less than vital.

3. Find some switch off time

With all that baby loving, of course, there is the bare fact that it is exhausting. Being 'on call' 24/7 to that little person can take it's toll.

I was finding that even when I got a 'break' from the caring and nappy changing merry-go-round, I wasn't able to switch off because I was still being called on for advice, answers and attention; "Where are the wipes?" "Which cream should I put on?""Do you think she's tired?" and even the "Look at how cute she's being!"

If you're breast feeding, feed the little munchkin, and then palm her off to Daddy or Grandma for a few hours of switch off time, where you are not on call at all. If you have to, leave the house and switch off your phone so no-one can ask you questions. Don't feel guilty about it. They will cope for a couple of hours, and your brain will get to reset and refresh from the constant pressure of being 'on'.

4. Take videos

A lot of us are lucky enough to iPhones and all sorts with us at any given moment these days. Take videos. Photos too of course. I'm sure you're already doing a lot of that. But take as long a video as your phone's memory will allow.

You might think it's just mundane footage - and maybe others will think it is - but in a few months, years, decades time, you'll cherish these glimpses into the past.



That sums it up really. Cherish the mundane as much as you can. One day they will be your most precious memories.

The Mummy Wars

After writing about go-with-the-flow-parenting - or in other words, do what works and is best for you parenting - it got me thinking about why women can get such a hard time from other women when they become mothers. I'm sure almost every new mother, experienced mother, or pregnant woman can cite at least a few stories of unsolicited advice and unwelcome opinions.

It seems that somehow motherhood means women's lives become public property, open to anyone and everyone's opinion on how they are parenting, eating, living...

Why is that? Why do women make each other feel guilty or insecure far more often that we make each other feel supported and empowered in this area?

Partly it is within us - when we read or hear another woman talk about their successes, rather than just feeling happy for that woman, we put ourselves down. We feel insecure, like we aren't doing the same and maybe we should be, or why are they doing better than me?

And then sometimes it comes from outside. Sometimes well meaning advice ends up being condemning, but sometimes it's not so well meaning either.

What would motivate any woman to put another woman down?

If it was a life threatening behaviour that we were attacking you could understand it - if someone was driving with their newborn lying on the front seat of the car, well that would be one thing.

But mostly the strong reactions, the unsolicited advice and condescension comes for small reasons, like whether or not you use a dummy, formula feed or co-sleep.

Granted there can be harmful effects of improper use of just about anything, but mostly mothers are doing the best they can. Why do we not just give each other the benefit of the doubt that a woman has weighed up all the options and is doing what will work best for her and her family?

Instead we often seem to jump straight to 'that woman has no clue and I should set her straight'.

I think it is because we are easily threatened. It hits at our identity. Whether we consider ourselves career women or stay at home mums, it is natural for a woman to find the most validation in feeling that she is successful in the domestic sphere. Anything that makes us feel like we are failing, or not living up to the same standard as others, makes us feel that perhaps we are failing at being a woman.

No matter how feminist our society might become, women are always going to feel their value linked  to the issue of having children, because it will always be our domain. It something that will always separate men and women. So whether we do or don't have kids, whether we do or don't have a career as well as a family, we find our choices under scrutiny. Childbearing is entirely universal, so it ends up being something on which everyone, and certainly every woman, feels she is qualified to comment.

And that is on top of the pressure we put on ourselves. No matter how confident we are in the decisions we have made regarding children, there is almost always a voice of doubt because so many other women have made so many other decisions. How can we help but compare?

So when we see someone else we can criticise, it makes us feel better about our own choices. When we find someone else who is more inexperienced that we can impose our advice upon, we feel validated in our experience. When we see someone else failing, we respond with sympathy heavily tinged with relief that we are doing better.

We have to stop. We have to make a conscious decision to remember how hard we find it at times, and respond with grace to others. Support other mothers in their struggles and decisions. Choose to assume that they are trying their best. Make other women feel confident in their ability to succeed as a mother, rather than trying to give advice just to make ourselves feel better. Be honest about our own failings so other women don't feel like they are all alone.

Genuinely celebrate the success of other women.

When you respond with positivity to others you will find this actually washes away your own insecurities far more than negativity ever can.

Just because someone else does things differently to us, doesn't mean they are saying our way was wrong. They are a different person raising a different baby in a different family and perhaps even a different time.

Raising children can be the most challenging thing we will ever do in our lives - lets make it easier on each other by being in it together, rather than making it a competition. Lets put down the weapons and quit the war.

The Mummy Diaries: Motherhood and Identity

No matter how much or how long you've wanted to become a mother before you actually have children, I don't think anything can completely prepare you for what it's going to be like, and how it's going to change your life; how it's going to change you.

Marriage already showed me that when it came to the crunch I wasn't always as selfless and patient as I thought I was, and there were some things I needed to work on about myself. And I do it because I love my husband, and that love is worth it.

The becoming a mother, taking this real little person home from the hospital, the world entrusting you to care for her... that's a whole 'nother level.

After 9 months of giving over my body to grow this little human, I was looking forward to the relief of getting my body back for myself. Little did I know that now I would be giving a whole lot more.

In those first weeks and months everything you do is for that little helpless person. If they need you to hold them, feed them, rock them, soothe them 24/7, you're there. You're doing it. You'll give them everything you've got, because you love them with every fibre of your being.

Then things start to settle down. They'll continue to need you, but you find more moments apart. When they go longer between feeds and they start to be able to play, and others entertain them for a while, then you start to find some breathing room.

The first time I left the house and drove the car to the supermarket all on my own felt so strange. The last time I had walked down a supermarket aisle I had been waddling like duck, a fat, pregnant duck. And my feet had hurt after roughly 3 and a half minutes.

And this was the first time I had left the house without my baby in over 10 months.

For those 10 months of pregnancy and new motherhood, I had been defined by this baby. Everywhere I went, she was with me. She affected how I felt, what I did, what I ate, how people responded to me, the decisions I made about the future...

It affects you in big ways obviously. You know your life is going to be different - work, socialising, sleep. You know, at least in big overarching terms, your life is going to change.

But it's the little things you don't always think about.

In a subsequent lone shopping trip, I was driving my car listening to a playlist from my phone plugged in to the stereo, and I had a memory. I remembered how I used to drive to work every day in this car, which had once been 'my' car, and listen to music. Half and hour there, half an hour back.

Now I don't drive more the 5 minutes away alone, I don't go to a job every day, and even the car isn't 'mine' any more since we now only have one car and it's 'ours'.

It's not even that I loved my job or that it defined me, but it was those little things that were mine, that made up me. And now they are different. No wonder some days you feel all upside down and back to front. Even those little things have changed.

These are not necessarily bad changes - but if you aren't aware of them, they can one day sneak up and smack you down. You don't even know why, you just don't feel yourself anymore.

So we need to acknowledge the things we use to define ourselves, the things that have made up our identity. Look back and think of the things, big and small, that used to make up who you were and acknowledge that they have changed. Now look at what you have now, and the new things that make up your day to day life.

Then the next step is the most important - decide that these little daily things don't define you.

This is important for several reasons. One, if you let all those daily things you do define who you are, then when they change completely, like when you become a mother, it's like the carpet has been ripped from under you.

And secondly, if the things you DO solely define you, then when you feel like you can't manage to DO anything some days, you will feel like a failure.

And let me tell you, you're not a failure. You have produced and are keeping alive another human being. Some days you won't feel like you've done anything productive other than feed and change diapers. And hopefully feed yourself a little, even if it was on chocolate bars.

In all times of life, and especially in motherhood, we need to define ourselves not by what we DO, but by who we are.

If you define yourself as a person who keeps the house spotless and runs her life like clockwork, then when you can't do that, you'll feel like you're failing. But if you define yourself as someone who loves her family no matter what, then even when the house is chaos and you're about 5 days behind schedule, you might feel worn out but you know you still love your family with everything you've got.

Define yourself by your love, your faith, your values, and the way you treat others. No matter the daily circumstances, the minutiae of life - even if the life you live now looks nothing like who you were 1 year ago - those foundations don't change.

Your labels might have changed - from just wife, career woman and fashion lover to nappy changer, milk machine and midday pyjama wearer -  but your identity can stay rock solid.

Go with the flow parenting

I think every mother could write their own parenting book... Problem is, probably nothing in it would work for anyone else. Every family is different. Even every child is different in the same family.

That's why I've decided on my own parenting theory. It's called Go With The Flow. Otherwise known as forget-what-anyone-else-thinks-and-do-what-works theory.

In my head I've run the gamut if parenting styles and theories. One day I literally read what must have been about 50 parenting articles online from cry it out to natural parenting and attachment theory. By the end I couldn't think straight, and if I'd tried to follow them all both The Bubs and I would have had nervous break downs within the week. It's like when you mix every single paint colour together - what started off as a pretty, vibrant colours ends up a big blob of goo. That was my brain.

The thing is, I could find something to relate to in every single theory. Something about all of them made sense.

And that's where the bottom line is - the parts that made sense were down to common sense.

So I've stopped reading parenting articles. And I've stopped worrying about what other people will think if I tell them I do or don't co-sleep/sleep train/do tummy time/baby wear/use a dummy/insert highly charged issue here.

I just do what works. Especially in those early few months where it seems your baby is changing minute by minute before your eyes. Why kill yourself worrying about what your baby 'should' be doing when it's likely everything will have changed by tomorrow anyway?

It should go without saying that you and your baby should be safe and getting fundamental needs met like love, food and sleep - but with common sense applied, I don't care if your baby sleeps in a cot, bassinet, sling, your bed or a flower pot like a little Anne Geddes model. If your baby sleeps, well done.

If you give it a chance, instinct takes over. I don't know where it comes from, but somehow it's in there how to take care of my baby. You learn it subtly by just being with your baby. Osmosis or something.

I mean, I'm no parenting expert. I've only had one baby so far and she's only 3 months old. But I've got something no 'expert' has. I know MY baby. And you've got that knowledge too, of yours.

Honestly it probably helps to NOT read too much. I read everything, my husband read nothing, and somedays he's even better at reading The Bub's cues than I am.

So if you're a new mum here's what I recommend...

....put the book down. A few tips might work but almost no baby will go 'by the book'. Getting too coaught up in 'But the book says...' short circuits your own instincts. You end up feeling like you are stuck with one style. I remember liking a lot of things about attachment parenting, but then I would feel guilty if I got sick of having my baby in a sling and wanted to put her down. Until I realised - hey, I didn't sign a contract. No one is making me do this. I can pick and choose!

....close that worry inducing Internet forum. Other mothers will be opinionated. And they will exaggerate. When it seems like everyone else's babies are sleeping through the night.... trust me, they're the vocal minority.

....install a zip in well meaning relatives mouths. Ok, so it's maybe hard to do this one. But at least try and stuff your ears with imaginary cotton wool. Nod and smile. Nod and smile. And then go about your day.

And just try to enjoy this time. They really are only this little for such a short time - I already can barely remember The Bubs when she was all floppy and newborn size, and I already miss how she fit so snugly against my chest while she slept there instead of in her cot.

I do appreciate the irony of writing a parenting post to say stop reading parenting posts! But I guess what my point is, is not so much to never read anything, but to not get so caught up in going by the book or comparing yourself with others.

Surround yourself with people who encourage and affirm you, and make you feel confident in your instinct and abilities as a mother - or father - no matter what your 'style'.

Don't miss out on such a precious time out of fear and worry and guilt. There's plenty of time for those feelings when they are teenagers...



What's the best parenting advice you've been given? How do you deal with the opinions and unsolicited advice of others? I'd love to hear your stories!